You can read Parts 1 and 2 here.
I talked about how running and exercise changed my body. Yoga changed my mind.
In the year or two after I seriously started to change my behavior, my eating habits and my body, I still struggled with the same outlook. I had proof that I could stick to a healthy lifestyle, but I still didn’t really believe it. I still thought that was something that happened to other people. And I compared myself big time.
“Why can’t I do this…why can’t I do that…what can’t I just stick with something?…why can’t I just be thin?…why can’t I have a normal relationship with food?…why am I always dealing with this? I’m going to be this way forever. I can’t do it. I’m fat.”
I still kept on running, this time in the park near my apartment in Delaware, where I was living and working. It was my first time away from my home, my home state, my friends. But I kept the weight off. Instead of feeding the loneliness, the tiredness, the sadness – I talked about it. I met with friends. I walked. I wrote. I kept the weight off. I COULD do it. I just didn’t make the connection between my body and my brain.
I lived in a mindset of always wanting something else. To be something else. Something better, thinner, prettier, smarter, whatever. I moved back to New England, to Providence. I met an awesome friend the first few months I moved here. She had just gone through yoga teacher training. “What is that?” I asked, having never heard of it before. “I have to teach classes to practice. You should come!” she said.
I was curious. And the studio sounded cool. I showed up on Monday night at 7pm in my running shorts and a t-shirt. I didn’t have a mat, I’d never used a block or a strap. I’d never heard of a vinyasa (it sounds like a dessert?). She opened the class with a 5 minute meditation. I wanted to crawl out of the room, under her nose, so I wouldn’t have to sit still and quiet my mind.
I got through the meditation and the class. I had never sweat so much in my entire life. I was so very, very sore. But I felt vibrant. I felt like a wet noodle. I was hooked. Throughout the next few months, I was there, every Monday. I craved the movements, the down dogs, the sound of Om.
I loved the sense that even though there were 10 or 12 other people in class, I didn’t even notice them. I didn’t compete with them. I didn’t compete with myself. For the first time ever, I didn’t judge myself. I was too busy concentrating on my breathe and the movement to judge. I felt more joy in those movements than I did even in running. During a run, my brain would be chattering away. During yoga, it was silent.
I started to visit other yoga studios. I took workshops and found other teachers. I learned about “starting where you are” and “being here now.” I read books on yogic philosophy. I took a workshop on food and emotions, which made me realize that everyone has food and body issues. No matter what, if you’re a woman (and often men), it’s something. I practiced setting intentions and mindful eating. It made me judge myself less. It made me kinder to myself and others. In fall 2010, I a started a four month workshop where I committed to practicing 3-4 times a week. The difference in my attitude was amazing. I felt calmer, connected and happier.
And then I was diagnosed with cancer.
It was a shock. I never thought something like that could happen to “me.” ME. I’m healthy! I practice yoga and eat kale. I’m nice to people and don’t kick dogs. Cancer doesn’t discriminate like that. It doesn’t care if you’re a bad person or if you regularly floss.
Cancer has taught me that your attitude and your mental health MATTERS. It’s just as important as your physical and emotional health. Energy follows energy. What you give your attention to, persists. These are things that yoga taught me, that I never thought translated into “real life” until cancer. Until I practiced what they were preaching. Until I realized I was looking at myself, and my body, with a deficit way of thinking vs. a positive way of thinking.
Everything before this year was about being “enough.” I had to do more, be more, love better, try harder. Be perfect. My efforts never measured up to my ridiculously high standards. I was always going to fail because I didn’t believe I was enough. I realized that my worst fears (illness, sickness, cancer), my “failure” at being healthy, my inability to protect myself and keep this away from me – it wasn’t my fault. It was all in my head. Bad things happen even if you try to be perfect, so why hate yourself for not being able to achieve something that doesn’t exist?! By existing, I am enough. No matter what happens, I am enough. Even if I never lose another pound, I am enough.
So while I’ve been upset that I’ve gained 12 pounds in the past month and a half, I’m getting past it. I’m realizing that it’s about recovery and healing vs. blaming myself for eating a cookie or two. I went through radiation; what’s a cookie in the grand scheme of things?? It’s comfort. Deep down I know the real reason for eating the cookie now. It’s not because I’m filling a void, or an emptiness.
I’m just eating a cookie because it tastes good. And I want it. I’m not judging, I’m just eating it. And enjoying it. I still hear that voice sometimes – the shaming, blaming. But I know it’s just the small, scared part of me that is afraid. So I accept her, and tell her it’s going to work out. It will all be okay. A cookie is just a cookie.
And knowing that is more than enough.
What a beautiful post! Your spirit and reflection is so inspiring. Hugs to you!
Thank you for visiting and commenting Anna! I love your blog (and your work)
you are beautiful
I love you
I love YOU! Thank you for always reading, L
Can’t wait to see you Sunday!
I think it is so important to remember to give ourselves treats and not feel guilty about it, especially in times where it’s a little more stressful. I am in my one year time frame from about March-June so it’s important for me to give myself space and room to breathe! I’ve had ice cream twice and a piece of cheesecake this week. Oh well!
You’re totally right. A lot of “stuff” comes up during the stressful time frames and giving ourselves space/room is exactly what we need. And I can’t wait to follow along during your yoga teacher training!
I love the last photo of you~ you’re all a-glow!
Thanks Phil! Good sunlight and a bronzer are a girls best friend!
This is so well written. Your story is almost as awesome as you are.
Thanks Evan! That means a lot coming from you
your scar is legit cute. you rule. seriously. you are giving me strength that i badly need. also, kind of in love with dude’s mom…that’s amazing.
Thanks Hil! My surgeon is the best! I really appreciate knowing that I’m able to help you through this crazy time. And yes, Mom of Dude is pretty awesome
I wish I could say more but I think all I can muster is… YES. Yes yes yes.
And: lovelovelovelovelovelovelove you. < 3
Thanks lady. Same to you! xoxo
Thank you so much for sharing this! You sound like you are in such a good place with yourself right now, which is awesome. Plus, you look absolutely radiant in that last photo – just so happy and positive. I love it.
Lastly, if it makes you feel any better, I have also gained some weight since my surgery. It’s frustrating, and I’ve been having a hard time getting to an OK spot with it, but I just need to remember to keep taking care of myself and doing good things for my body and moving as much as my knee will let me and it’ll all come out in the wash.
Thanks for sharing, Dawn. And thanks for the sweet compliment
I totally agree, taking good care of what we have allows us to keep moving forward. I hope your knee continues to heal!
You are beautiful!
So are you! And your creations too
I can’t imagine how long it took you to compose this series of posts! Thank you for taking the time and energy to share such a personal background.
And, like everyone above already mentioned, that last photo is a perfect way to end the post. You look so natural and content–just plain ol’ happy.
Do you get a lot of questions about your scar? I find scars fascinating, because they are physical indicators of triumph from challenge. Someone in my office has a visible scar but I’m afraid to ask her about it. What are your thoughts on people asking about scars?
Thank you Jennifer! I am happy so I’m glad that came across in the picture
I don’t actually get too many questions about my scar, but I’ve noticed people look at it a lot. I love the way you put it! I think people are very different in terms of questions about it. I don’t mind it, but I’m also somewhat removed from the surgery now. I could see someone who just had the surgery be more anxious about people noticing, adjusting to it, etc.
I would say that approaching the question in a caring, authentic way (which I’m sure you would) is the best way to go about it. Maybe ask her if she minds people asking about it is a good way to start out. Then you would know whether she’d be comfortable to talk about it. Great question!
Thanks for the advice!
This series is incredible. I feel close to you, and I can relate to practically every word you said (barring the cancer part, but I have my own health issues that I feel similar about). Yoga has changed. my. life. And to think, for so long I didn’t try it because I thought I was too fat for it. You’re beautiful. Thank you. <3
Thank YOU! I’m so glad you enjoyed the series. I am so glad people have resonated with it. I totally agree about wishing you’d started earlier because you had this idea about yourself. I feel the same way about running and I haven’t forgotten I owe you an email! xo
Erin, I love these posts! They are so brave and honest and beautiful and pretty much just solidify my original thoughts about you that you rock.
thank you for sharing your story!!
Thanks Jodi!!
Er! I just read the blog (first time in a while) and just wanted to say LOVE YOU! For a variety of reasons, obviously. So glad I’m not worrying if you’re at the gym for the 3rd straight hour or if precious had captured you on campus. Or if you had fallen down the hill at Ted’s. All things are possible. But seriously – love you! So glad we met that fateful freshman year
This makes me laugh so hard everytime I read it. I love YOU!!