365 Days. 8,760 hours. 525,600 minutes (wow, that RENT song really is accurate). I can’t believe it. It seems like it was literally last month.
That’s how long it has been since my surgery.
That’s how long it’s been since I woke up, dazed and foggy, to hear the surgical nurse tell the recovery room nurse “…complete thyroidectomy…”
Through the daze and fog (and the feeling that someone had ripped my head off), I knew.
I knew before the doctor came to see me, before my family reported back on their conversation with him.
I knew it was cancer. I knew I had cancer. I knew my life would change.
IPhone photo 30 minutes after surgery that I made The Dude take. It felt like this scar was 6 miles wide. It was 1 inch. My surgeon is the MAN.
This past year has been a wild one. Surgery, radioactive iodine treatments, scans, MRIs, ultrasounds. Hundreds of labs. Dozens of appointments.
Stress. Mucho stress. Lots of tears.
Hugs. Lots of hugs. And love. Mountains and mountains of it.
My life has changed. Immensely. So much so that I don’t quite know how to put it into words. There’s a different feeling that I have about health and gratitude and patience and life in general. Everything, really.
Cancer gave me permission to care about myself first and foremost. For a Type A/oldest child/recovering perfectionist, that is a huge shift. I stopped feeling guilty for not doing something – at first, mainly because I was just too damn tired to feel guilty. I stopped apologizing. I care less about what other people think of me. I stopped excuses for things that I didn’t really want to do anyway. I didn’t follow through on things – and you know what? The earth continued spinning. Cancer made me realize that anger and anxiety and bad food just make you sick.
Cancer allowed me to meet amazing, amazing people (Hil, Joanna, Ruthie and Dear Thyroid, Jodi, Kelly and Kripalu peeps, I’m looking at you!), without whom I would not have been able to deal and process everything. Cancer gave me a new reason to blog, a new reason to write and share my story with all of who. I am so grateful you have read and continue to read, even if it’s not the most uplifting or enjoyable topic.
Cancer made me say “You know what….f#)@# it. Why not?!” I tried awesomely wonderful new things because of cancer. Naturopathic doctors, acupuncture, a vegan diet, green juices, Reiki, Thai yoga therapy, Ayurveda. I read Pema Chodron, Kris Carr, Wayne Dyer, Byron Katie. I tried meditation, journaling, counseling and went on yoga retreats and workshops. I quit my job to follow my dream. The Dude and I moved in together and got a sweet, sweet dog.
And weirdly, at the same time, much of life is the same.
I’m still the same person, just with a new scar. I still act the same, just without as much tolerance for pettiness. I appreciate my family and friends and life so much more. I still have the same sarcastic sense of humor. I still worry. (I just can’t get past that one.) I still worry about my weight, my health, my future. I still have a hard time saying “No” – but I’m getting better at it.
Smiley scar at 3 months.
I think if it hadn’t happened to me, if I hadn’t realized that it doesn’t matter if you eat kale chips or run 10 miles or are nice to people, that cancer DOESN’T discriminate – I would have continued making bad choices and holding on to bad habits. Am I where I’d like to be? No. Do I feel guilty about that? Sometimes. But I know that every day is a chance to try my best and be my healthiest. I know now that perfection is also a cancer that eats a way at your best efforts.
That’s why instead of bemoaning the fact that I can’t run a half marathon or a marathon, I thought, “Well, at least I can do something.”
And signed up for Boston’s Run to Remember, a 5 mile race through the American Cancer Society and DetermiNation on May 27, 2012.
365 days ago, I was in pain. Shocked. Sad, but hopeful.
Today I’m celebrating. To my health – and to yours.
You are so strong, inspiring, and just wonderful. May you have many more days, hours, minutes of health and happiness ahead of you, Erin.
Hillary recently posted..Small Act, Big Impact
Thank you SO much Hillary!
I’m still so sorry that you went through this, but look at how strong you are in how you reacted to it. Inspirational.
Thanks, Victoria! It really has taught me a hell of a lot about myself.
It is so amazing on how much can change in a year! But you come out a different, yet better, person.
Mellissa recently posted..Travel Week: Staying Safe
I totally agree! I think you are amazingly strong too
Cheers to many, many, many more years. I still remember vividly the day my dad was diagnosed and when he woke up from surgery a month later. It’s been six years and I’ve never stopped being thankful, being appreciative of health and working on making myself better.
Errign recently posted..Thankful Thursday Three.
I love the “working on making myself better” piece. It’s so true, even baby steps, day by day things matter! I’m so glad your Dad is well!
I think your scar makes you a super badass. Among other things. *holds up a glass of green juice* To you and your continuing journey in health and happiness! xoxo
Christin@purplebirdblog recently posted..9 Years: Missing Mom
Green juice toast! I love it – and you!
I love this line: “I know now that perfection is also a cancer that eats a way at your best efforts.” It’s so true. For me, this is something I’ve struggled with my entire life. Only in the last year have I been able to get past my fear of not being “perfect” at something and just take the jump and see what happens. My blog is a great example – it took me several years to work up the courage to quit my job and give myself the opportunity to pursue it.
What a powerful post. You are an inspiration!
Amanda recently posted..Quick & Easy Tortilla Pizza
Thanks, Amanda! I’ve learned it’s the negative ideas and thoughts that are truly the worst things in my body – even worse than the cancer – so I try to combat them anyway I can. I’m getting better every day and I think that’s the best you can ask for, right?!
Congrats on taking the jump!
Without cancer, you may have never gone to meet Kris Carr, and thus you would have never blogged about being at Kripalu, and thus I probably would have never stumbled across your blog. It seems cancer has given you a wonderful outlook on life, and it connected me with an awesome blogger as well.
Jennifer @ Flowtation Devices recently posted..Kripalu-versary: Day 27(ish)
It’s SO true! I definitely would not have done either of those things had it not been for cancer. It’s funny to think about the things it HAS given me vs. the things it’s “taken away.” The taken away category is basically 1) my thyroid and 2) the ability to live without taking 16 pills a day. The things it’s given me has at least 150 things in that category. That’s a pretty good ratio
Erin – i think you are amazing. Not many people take a situation that is challenging and scary and turn it into a kick ass, life changing learning experience. the world is a better place for having you in it. PS: thank you for the shout-out sista!!
Thanks, Jodi!! I really appreciate such kind words.
I’m thinking about making Kripalu a February anniversary. Maybe I’ll see you there!?
I relate to this post SO much. I’ve had all the same lessons about putting myself first, but at the same time am sometimes surprised by how everything is still the same. I get it. Also, it’s refreshing to hear from someone who also *knew* they had cancer. I had a gut feeling too. It’s not always complete shock! Also also, I have a twin scar just slightly lower on my neck from a biopsy. I kind of wear it with pride
Thanks for showing me that I still have a lot to look forward to. xo
Susan recently posted..Pumpkin Sweet Potato Tamale Pie
SO much to look forward to, especially because you are so kick ass and amazing regardless! It’s kind of nice to still see the same person in the mirror every day – even if she looks a little worse for the wear or wants to barf every 5 seconds.
I just had this feeling like, “I’m pretty sure the 5% of malignant tumors is me.” Not in a bad way, just a hunch. Even when everyone else thought the tumor itself was probably nothing, I knew I had to get it checked out. I’m so glad my gut instincts were right before it got worse!
Hi! I found your blog while I was waiting for thyroid biopsy results. I’m fortunate enough to be cancer-free, but your blog is still an inspiration. Congratulations on your anniversary!
Thank you! I’m so glad your biopsy came back negative! Such a great feeling. Thank you for visiting and commenting and please stay in touch!
Thank you, truly, for such an inspirational post. Wishing you continued love, happiness, adventure, and health.
Emily recently posted..Canned Heat in My Heels
Thank you SO much, Emily! I always appreciate your comments and posts
Erin,
Thanks for this post. I just came up on my one year surgery anniversary on November 2nd. It took about a year for me to get to the point where I can say &*#$# this. I’m not going to let it rule my life. So much can happen in a year, right?
Brenda
Brenda – thank you so much for visiting and commenting. Congrats on your anniversary! I definitely think it takes a long time to even process the whole experience – good, bad and otherwise. I felt pretty early on that I was just SO lucky to not have a worse diagnosis, worse situation, etc. Even though the situation was less than ideal, it was still something that I could find solutions for…and some days it was still terrible and horrible, but I find that now they are fewer and fewer.
I hope your year has been good to you, and the upcoming year is even better! Stay in touch!
Erin
Happy Cancerversary!
You have made so many wonderful changes and strides over the course of the year. Your post reminded me of all of my great accomplishments during my “get healthy” journey. It’s been 1.5 years since my surgery and I hope I never stop feeling gratitude, strength and happiness I’ve felt along the way. Hope you’re celebrating!
Kelly recently posted..Practicing Non-Violence
Thanks, Kelly! Your anniversary post was an inspiration earlier this year, and I couldn’t wait to be able to write the same post myself. In a way, I’m so glad I was able to start this journey because it’s really changed my life for the better. And, we got to meet, so yay for that!
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