Last night I went to my first yoga class in almost 2 months. Or maybe two and a half. Either way, it’s been far, far too long.
I’ve been having really bad anxiety lately. Pretty much consistently, every day, for the past month. It started right before finals and I just haven’t been able to kick it. Once that fear spiral starts, it’s hard to get it to shut off (for me at least). The racing thoughts and worries start in my head and work their way through my body, settling in my stomach. All it takes is one word, one blog post, one article or one suggestion from someone to send me into a crazy thought spiral. (Even typing this blog post is starting to freak me out a little bit.)Pretty soon, my mind is racing so badly that my stomach hurts, my heart is pounding and I’ve convinced myself that school won’t work out, I’ll never find a job, my relationship won’t work out, I won’t be able to have kids and I’m better off alone.
Not the thoughts I’d like to have – especially when I know (really know) that my life is pretty freaking great.
I think that part of it was the stress of the term. I was really stressed/crazy/busy and my adrenals were probably on overdrive. They just never shut themselves off. I also think part of it is my thyroid medication. I’m not sure if I’m too hyperthyroid (because of the cancer, my doctor said they will keep me slightly over the edge of normal to hyper to suppress any cell growth) because I’m taking a pretty high dosage. Ever since I started to take this dose, I’ve noticed everything seems to be much quicker in my body. My blood pressure, pulse, heart rate, anxiety and thoughts. I can’t drink coffee anymore because it makes me far too jittery and hyper. Breathing doesn’t really help all that much. But, it does help to think that the anxiety is caused by something physical.
I went in to my yoga class with a stomach and brain full of anxious thoughts. I unrolled my mat and sat down. I noticed how tight my hips were, how immobile my lower back is. I thought about how much I miss moving, stretching and breathing. The teacher started class by having us pay attention to our breath, filling our stomachs. I listened to the music and breathed deeply.
And I started to tear up. Because I remembered why I love yoga.
Sitting on that mat, it was a remind. “Oh yeah. This is why you do this. This is why you’re here. Why you make it to classes. Why you exercise. This feeling right here.” I let it go and I cried a little bit. Right there in the basement of the YMCA. I started to cry because I realized that the feelings are all just fear. It’s JUST fear. They are just thoughts. (And it’s probably my hormones too.) I can fix it. I can deal with this, just like I deal with everything else. I remember why yoga is so instrumental to my mental, emotional and physical health. I remember why exercise is so crucial to my life.
It helps me to come back to me. It helps me to clear out all the other crap that doesn’t serve me. It reminds me of who I am and what I can do. It reminds me that I can deal with anything. It helps me to remember I am on the right path and that it will all work out.
I am going to work to remind myself this every day. I truly feel that exercise is the way out of the funk. Breathing is the way out of feeling like everything is going to fall apart. Yoga is my source.
It’s a reminder that I’m making my only goal and resolution for the time being. I’m looking at 2012 with less of the overachiever’s to-do list. I know she’s always in there, waiting to find something else to work on. Last night I was reminded that I really need to make myself a priority and my concentrate on my health and well-being. So, instead of making “12 things for 2012″ or a Top Ten list or setting small goals or SMART goals or check-in’s or anything else that might send me into overdrive/planning/craziness, I’m formulating a question for myself. That’s it. One question.
Every day, I’m going to ask: “What did I do to fill up my reserves today? What did I do for me?” and then write it down.
That’s my overall goal. That’s the only thing on my to-do list.
And I think it’s a damn good reminder that I’m worth a resolution.
I struggle with anxiety at times too (today for some reason it is really bad) and working out helps me so much. I look to the gym for relief and yoga really helps me stop the constant thinking. It is one of the few things I have found to work. Thank goodness for yoga!
Mellissa recently posted..Vegetable-Bean Soup
Seriously – thank goodness! I’m excited to think about exercise this year in that it will help me mentally more than physically. For a long time I’ve looked at it as a way to help my lose weight or get in shape, but I know that it does so much more for me. It’s a great reminder. (I hope your anxiety is better today!).
I totally found a “Keep Calm and Practice Yoga” image on Pinterest the other day that I put in a post and that I’m also about to make my Facebook picture. I want to print it out and hang it up around my house too. I’ve been thinking about you lately – happy new year, btw! I’m going to do a 30 classes in 40 days challenge at my yoga studio and I’m beyond excited about the possibilities physically and mentally, but I’m also a little scared too.
Christin@purplebirdblog recently posted..A Toast…
I’ve been thinking about you too!
So awesome! Yay for the 40 days. There’s one every few months at a studio but it’s not very close to my house, sadly. I think it’s totally normal to be nervous about what might happen throughout the 40 Days, but like you said, be excited about the possibilities because I think they’ll be even better!!
Happy New Year friend!
Good resolution! I always feel fab after a workout, but it’s definitely easy to forget that feeling when you’re dreading the gym. I haven’t gotten into yoga much… and right now I really just don’t want to pay for the classes. I know I could do something on the internet, but I feel like I miss out on the overall experience when I’m not at an actual class. I don’t know.
Amber @ Busy, Bold, Blessed recently posted..2012 New Year’s Resolutions
Hey Amber! Thanks for finding my blog and commenting again
I didn’t get into yoga until a friend had gone through teacher training and had to teach classes as part of it. I found that going to a regular class at an actual studio with a trained teacher made a huge difference for me. It held me accountable because I knew she and the other students would be there and I found I started to really crave the movements. Classes with a trained teacher also means that you should be getting help with the poses and correct alignment (vs. when I would do the poses on my own and have no idea whether I was doing them correctly!). I totally hear you on the money issue though, since they can be really expensive! If there are any yoga studios near you, you might want to see if they have teachers in training – classes might be free or super cheap! There are also community classes at studios which might be a lot cheaper than the normal prices – and if you have a grad student ID (from taking your grad classes), check to see if studios have studio prices too.
Just some unsolicited opinions, in case you were wondering – even though you didn’t ask any questions.
“And I think it’s a damn good reminder that I’m worth a resolution.”
Best thing I’ve read all day. Making yourself a priority is so simple, so essential, and yet so something we all fail to do…a lot. Like you, I felt totally depleted at the end of last semester—fatigued, miserable, and with clumps of hair missing to boot. I vowed to never let myself get that stressed again, to make myself a priority.
If I’m willing to give 110% to every single thing in my life EXCEPT my own well-being, that’s a problem. Hopefully I can take a tip from you and remember to keep myself healthy, both mentally and physically!
Hillary recently posted..A Good Start
Yes, yes! Let’s make a spring term pact!
I love this resolution. I’m thinking of something similar for myself. My “extracurricular” commitments are clear, and now I just have work as a “have-to.” And I can sense myself trying to structure my extra time (well, Tuesdays I’ll read professional development books, Wednesdays I’ll work on a project for X, and I have to have coffee with 2 people each month for networking, and I’ll make a quilt block everyday…). But really, structuring those things doesn’t make my life any richer. I don’t think I need to worry about becoming lazy and not moving myself forward and growing – that’s always what I do. But I do need to think about rest, relaxing, being patient with myself, and filling up my reserves! And trusting myself to “be productive” when that’s needed, not force it.
Carole Ann recently posted..A Final Quilt in 2011
Oh, man. I can totally see your “New Year” Google-Doc with columns for each of these activities. We are such gold star students, it’s not even funny. I like the idea of doing the opposite of what comes easiest – in our cases, NOT structuring our time or expectations or resolutions or goals and just leaving some space to BE. I agree, we’ll always be productive and motivated and grow…so why not stop worrying about it and have some fun too!? xo for reading, as always!
Such a beautiful resolution in place. Yes I think I’m going to take that question with me too. It’s the reminder that I need.
Thank you!
Laura @joyful shimmy recently posted..Happy Self-Love Year!
Thanks Laura – and thanks for visiting!
Your post has inspired me to go home and do some yoga! I am in a bit of a funk today, and I’m pretty sure an hour of some focused breathing and movement will clear the mental clutter and fill my reserves!
Jennifer @ Flowtation Devices recently posted..Movin’ and groovin’ into 2012
I found myself nodding as I read this post. I am going back to doing yoga as well. It has been too long and I miss it.
Krista @ Can’t Survive on Yarn Alone recently posted..Is This Really Motivation?
This really spoke really spoke to me – as a fellow overachiever who gets anxious, I have found some solace in yoga. I practice regularly but it is always a struggle to focus on me, hence why I write a lot about self care on my blog
Valerie @ City|Life|Eats recently posted..Breakfast Bias