Through.

I’ve been slightly MIA the last few weeks for a variety of reasons. 

1. I’m taking my teaching certification exams (the PRAXIS tests for you teachers out there ) on Saturday so I’ve been cramming information about US/World History, Civics, Geography, Economics, Politics, Psychology and teaching into my brain. Yikes.

I’m trying not to be too stressed about them though. If I don’t pass on the first try, I just take them again. I know 75% of the questions on the practice tests and a lot of the information is just things you can’t “study” for. Example: What is a daimyo in early Japanese culture? Either you know that one, or you don’t. 

2. The Dude’s grandfather passed away two weeks ago. It wasn’t a shock due to his health problems in the last year, but it was certainly difficult for the family – and it’s the first very close relative Dude’s lost in his 30 years here on Earth. It was a very nice service and good to spend time with his extended family. I only hope I have that many people who love me! 

3. And lastly, I had my yearly cardiologist appointment/Echocardiogram. I can’t recall if I’ve blogged about this in the past, but I have had a congenital heart defect (biscupid aortic valve) since birth that they’ve always monitored. Two years ago, it was discovered that my ascending aorta is dilated (thinning out) which is no bueno in the heart department. At my appointment this year, my echo showed that it has dilated again. I blame graduate school . The growth isn’t huge and it’s not currently life threatening, but it is an issue that we will likely have to address before having any kids – i.e. heart surgery to repair it. Which, in our “forecasted life plan,” isn’t super far away. 

I’m trying not to get too far ahead of myself with this one. I’ll see a surgeon next week after I get an MRI done. We’ll review the film and see what he has to say. Luckily, it’s not anything I’ll need to get done immediately or something that prevents me from living life as normally as I can (with a few exceptions – Crossfit or half marathons are things you will never see me participate in!). 

The mention of surgery of any kind – or the possibility that this could interfere with life, health and pregnancy – is still stressful. It’s hard not to wonder “Why me?” sometimes. I’ve already had my “thing” – can’t I just be done with all this health stuff??  Can’t I just go to a doctor’s office and have them say “You look great!” It’s hard to tell people about situations like this because the emotions involved are so complex. I don’t want to be pitied, but I want it to be acknowledged. I don’t want to be asked 500 million questions that I don’t know the answers to, but I want to be assured that it will be okay. So, in some weird way, I save myself and people around me from having to figure out how to navigate around a difficult situation. And the ironic thing is that I’ve done this whole thing before. 

In reality, though, that doesn’t do anyone any good. I want people to know what’s going on and I like when people have stories to share and good thoughts to give. Luckily, I have a really great support system and access to some excellent health practitioners. I also have an amazing fiance who continuously supports me and loves me no matter what life and my health throws our way (which I’m continuously in awe of and unbelievable grateful for). 

Regardless, I know I’ll be fine. It might not be easy, but I will come out okay. Just like with cancer. The thing with difficult situations is that no matter how badly you want to run away from them, or shut the door and never come out, or ignore them – you can’t. They’re funny like that. 

Just like with tests and death and life – the only way out is through.