It’s been, oh 2…3…months? since I last blogged. I thought I’d update my adoring fans – aka my future mother-in-law and two of my bridesmaids.

1) I started my student teaching at a middle school in January. 12-13 year olds are my spirit animals. I switched to high school in late March. My days are filled with grading, repeating myself 1500 times, telling 18 year olds why it’s not appropriate to ask me to dinner, researching and lesson planning. It’s exhausting. I’m up at 5:45am and don’t stop working until 8pm or so – but it’s totally amazing at the same time. I am finally doing what I’ve wanted to do since I was 8 years old and it’s thrilling. Now if someone would guarantee they will hire me come September, I’d be totally set.

2) I turned 30 in February. Our plans for a fabulous birthday weekend were crushed by Nemo (the Blizzard), but we still had a great time. I think my 30′s will be the decade of confidence. My 20′s were fun and amazing for so many reasons, but they were fraught with anxiety and doubt. I am so much more sure of who I am and own those many pieces of me (including those pieces that might have just quoted an Avril Lavigne song?…)

3) To celebrate our 30th birthday(s) and my upcoming nuptials, I went to visit two of my best friends in Portland, Oregon and our other best friend came up from California.  We’ve been friends since we were in elementary and middle school and we live all over the country as adults, so it was such a treat to get to spend a week together.

We went wine tasting, visited the Portland Japanese Gardens, shopped, traveled around the city and ate and drank. A lot.

This burger is from a restaurant called Lardo and is quite possibly the best burger I have ever had in my LIFE.

The famous Voodoo Doughnuts! Unreal.

Bachelorette shennanies. 90′s dance party + ugly sequined dresses = amazing. 

4) My sister, mom, bridesmaid/college BFF Beck, family and friends threw me an amazing bridal shower this month. I don’t have any pictures yet because as the bride-to-be, I was focused on saying hello, opening gifts and soaking it all in. It was such a fun afternoon and made me so excited for our upcoming wedding (in 67 days. GAH!)

 5) I felt compelled to write something after the events at the Boston Marathon yesterday. My sister lives in Boston and I have countless friends from my hometown in Connecticut who live in the city – many who work in healthcare. Living in New England, people tend to migrate towards New York or Boston – both geographically and in your sports allegiance. We’re a Boston family. My Nana and her family are from New Bedford, my Dad grew up in Mass. and we have family members and friends all over the city.

My Dad ran the Boston Marathon when I was in elementary school and I’ve had many friends run it throughout the years. I spent my childhood standing on the sidelines of countless races that he and my Mom ran in. When I finally caught the running bug and started to run myself, I ran 5K and 10Ks. I’ve run two races on the streets of Boston. My favorite race ever is the Tufts Women’s 10K – a women’s only race through Downtown Boston – on part of the Boston Marathon route. The spectators and the city itself were amazing. The second race I ran was Boston’s Run to Remember – a race to honor fallen police & firefighters. I ran with the American Cancer Society and I will never forget the Bostonians who came out to cheer us on. 

I’m so grateful that all of my friends in Boston are safe today. I’m so glad my sister was healthy & able enough to walk the 6 miles from Fenway Park to her home in Southie when T service stopped and she was stuck in the city. I’m proud to be a New Englander and a runner today and will run to remember. 

• Turned 29 (definitely wrote 28 at first. I have no idea how old I am)
• Took a fabulous trip to California 
• Finished a round of radioactive iodine
• Got engaged!!
• Ran a 5 mile race with the American Cancer Society
• Started wedding planning
• Finished three semesters of grad school (oof)
• Remained cancer free! 

It doesn’t seem like 2013 would be able to top that, but I have a feeling it might. It’s the year of some major life changes. I’m turning 30, getting married, student teaching, graduating with my masters (fingers crossed!), and going on a honeymoon – all in the first six months of the year. INSANE. And I can’t wait  

We also had a great time during the holidays this year. We threw our second annual Christmas party – a tradition that is quickly becoming a favorite in our household. 

Doug, of course, planned the menu. The cheese plate was epic. Sadie supervised. 

One thing we’ve done each year is set up our kitchen to be the “bar area,” with bartender included (generally a poor family member who cleans up pretty well at the end of the night). It leaves us and our guests free from making drinks and makes us seem way classier than we really are. 

And no party would be complete without a roaring fire. Thank you, Netflix. 

I start my student teaching practicum in three weeks. Until then, I’m attempting to relax. I say attempting, because I’m really bad at it. One of my goals between now and the start of the semester is to sit in my sun porch more often. We don’t utilize this room as much in the winter, which is ironic because it’s the brightest room in the house. 

Maybe I should organize my bookshelves while I’m in here…

My major resolution this year is to ENJOY it. It’s going to go by so fast and with everything on my plate, I know I’m going to get stressed/caught up in it/looking to the next thing. This year is going to bring about a lot of changes and I’m determined to be present for all of them.

Do you make resolutions? What is your goal for the year?! 

And it’s bittersweet. 

I don’t know if it’s because I love kids and used to work with 5 year olds. I don’t know if it’s because I’m a teacher. I don’t know if it’s because Connecticut is the place I grew up, or if it’s because I know people from Newtown and know teachers who teach there, or that I can’t stop imagining what I would do in that situation. I do know that today was the first day that I didn’t cry. 

You never think, that as a teacher, you’d be a first responder. But in reality, you respond all the time. To fears and anxieties and sadness. To questions. Oh god, questions. To joy. To “Hey, Miss. M – when are you coming back??” To parents. To bullying. To the telephone – a lot. To the principal. To someone farting in class. To “No one here understands me.” To “I lost my violin case and my mom is going to KILL ME AND I’M GOING TO BE LATE FOR THE BUS!!!” 

Throughout my practicum hours over the last year and a half, I’ve heard “Are you SURE you want to be a teacher???” more times than I care to remember. Teachers, especially veterans of the community, are tired. There are countless initiatives, assessments, programs and evaluations being created and implemented without much support or funding. My middle school co-teacher has to buy her own Kleenex and pencils for her kids. She’s almost out and it’s not even January. My high school c0-teacher has a chalkboard and no chalk. He can only make 20 copies a day, so the kids have to write their answers on loose leaf paper and give back the handouts. And these aren’t even the poorest districts in the state. Teachers are the easiest to blame for issues in schools for many reasons. And research shows that effective teachers can almost make up for the socioeconomic status or reading level of a disadvantaged child. Almost. 

But teachers aren’t superheroes, no matter how much we wish we were. And this week is seems more surreal. More raw. More poignant. To join the ranks of people who spend all day, all week, all year (and don’t argue that teachers only work 9 months a year. Every teacher I know works all.the.time.) thinking about and caring for and working with and worrying about and banging their heads against a wall about and laughing with all kinds of kids. To join the ranks of educators who spend countless hours and dollars and nights grading and assessing and creating lessons and crafting – just a few more minutes, a few more hours – until it’s just right. To join the ranks of men and women who live on in the lives of their students, through academics – but also through stories and passions and life lessons. And in the worst possible instances, the unimaginable ones, heroes who physically die for their kids. 

That’s why the questions from teachers that try to discourage me from going into the profession really bother and upset me. That’s why, when family members or friends or strangers complain about teachers – how they make too much money, how they don’t work as “hard as the rest of us,” how their job can’t possibly be that hard – it hurts. How could you not want to go into a profession where you can change someone’s life? How could I not want to pursue something that I’ve wanted to be since as long as I can remember? Teaching isn’t what I do – it’s who I am. That’s why it bothers me. It’s like someone saying “Please. Just try not to be so “you” for a while.” 

The only thing that made sense to me in the aftermath of the shooting at Sandy Hook, the only thing I felt like I could do was go to school this week and hug my teachers. And my kids. And thank god that I’ve found my life’s passion. 

And tomorrow I plan to go buy them some Kleenex and pencils and chalk. 

There are so many things I’ve experience & realized & learned in these past two years. Here’s a few of them. 

1. The human body is a freakin’ miracle.

I had my thyroid and three lymph nodes removed two years ago.  I went through three rounds of radioactive iodine.  I’ve had 5-6 ultrasounds, a full body scan, approx. one billion vials of blood drawn and countless appointments. I take 16 pills of calcium and perscription vitamin-D daily (and will likely have to for the rest of my life).  I take a little tiny pill that’s supposed to replicate my biological gland daily.  I’ll need to monitor my levels every 3 months for the next few years; hopefully moving to six months after five years.

And my body is a freakin’ miracle.

Seriously. If you think about it, it’s amazing that each of us survive every day. The way that we can think and move and breath and function. The things we put our bodies through, what we do to them, the fact that we spend so much time nit-picking at them –  it’s pointless. It really is. Even with all the issues that I’ve had, I’m consistently amazed by my own body. With one less valve in my heart than “normal” and a missing gland, it still lets me move & think every minute of the day. 

2. You’re the only one that can make yourself happy.

Sure, your partner, family, friends and other people can contribute to this, but you are the only one that can control your mood/thoughts/actions/desires. It’s up to you. Don’t blame anyone else, no matter how pissed off or at fault they are. You have so much more control than you think.

3. There is nothing fair about life. 

I know this sounds really cynical, but that’s not my intention. Things happen. To everyone. Your bad is someone else’s good. Your good is someone else’s bad. You can’t rationalize it. You can’t say “I’m a good person, therefore bad things won’t happen to me.” It doesn’t work like that. We don’t know why things happen to us – some people think it’s fate or it’s all random. Some people think there’s a lesson to be learned from everything. Cancer has taught me that everyone (and I mean everyone) has something they’re dealt with that changes they way they look at fairness. It doesn’t do me any good to be angry about the cards that I’ve been dealt with. I can only accept it. There’s literally no other way to move on. 

I read a book by Geneen Roth last May, and this passage really stuck with me, about accepting the hard things:

“The answer to “I have no idea how I’m going to get through this” is this: you allow yourself to sob, to heave, to feel as if your heart has a boulder crashing through it. You get help from your friends. And you notice that at the end of every day you are still alive. That feeling anything, even grief, is different from what you thought it would be. That when you don’t leave yourself, a different life is lived. One that includes vulnerability and tenderness and fragility and changes the landscape – makes it verdant, wider, breath taking – of life as you know it. As long as I believe that pain is bigger than me, as long as I define being open and vulnerable as being vulnerable to annihilation, I believe in an image of myself: that I am someone who can be annihilated. That’s called living in hell: refusing to love because you want the end game to be different than it is.” 

4. You will be okay. 

I know people find my blog by searching on Google for thyroid cancer. I’ve had many emails and tweets and messages from people who are going through the same thing. If there’s any point to this post, it’s this: There WILL be a day when you realize you haven’t thought about cancer at all. Then it will become two days, then three, then a week. Then maybe a month. And one day you’ll realize you can’t even remember the date of your surgery, or exactly what the doctor told you, or that you’re not so angry anymore. And you’ll realize you’re okay. Your life is never going to be the same – but it can better than it was before in a lot of ways. 

I know you don’t believe me. That’s okay – I never would have believed me two years ago. But it’s true. You will be. 

5. This.

Gratitude. For everything. And you. 

I like clothes. I think I have style/some fashion sense (my old coworker always complimented me on my color pairings).

But shopping? No.  

(from WhatShouldWeCallMe, the best pick me up ever.). 

For one, I’m tall. I have a lady figure. Pants are generally too short and shirts have a tendency to get stuck on my chesticles. I once thought I was going to have to Winona Ryder a pair of skinny jeans out of Old Navy because I could not get them off my calves. I get really antsy with shopping after 15 or so minutes. I must pack water & snacks, no matter how short the trip. I end up liking one item out of 12, but inevitably end up putting it back on the rack because I talk myself out of it. (See also: registry shopping.)

When I realized in late summer that it was probably time to go dress shopping, I did NOT have high hopes.

Until I tried on approx. 28 dresses and found the mother of all dress inventions. 

Whomever created the corset back? Oh haiiiyyyyyyy. 

 I would like to send you many pounds of Italian cookies. My two-sizes smaller waist thanks you. 

*This is not my dress. And yes, D has seen this picture. My dress DOES have a corset back, however.  

Baguette french toast & chicken, corn and potato soup (ala the Dude Cooks)

Shipyard Pumpkin Head Beer. 

and that 3 pound bag of Halloween candy in preparation for Wednesday is now a 1.5 pound bag. But in all seriousness, I hope everyone in the affected areas stay safe & dry! 

We were totally those people and went out in the hurricane to check out the hurricane barrier. It’s just so cool! 

Matrimony Monday:

Over the weekend, we accomplished quite a few wedding tasks. I emailed hair stylists for the big day (after consulting the Internet), we went to a registry party at Crate & Barrel (highly recommended) and we took our engagement pictures! I have zero idea how I’m going to wait for 3 weeks to see some of the pictures that we took. So.excited. 

One of the things that we were both looking forward to was registering. Once we actually went, though, we discovered that we’re the opposite of what companies probably look for in engaged couples: either we talk ourselves out of almost everything we add or we already have it. 

Here are the places we’re registering with:

• Crate & Barrel
• Macy’s
• Potentially thinking about a HoneyFund

Even while going to the event parties for each of them, we only have about 30 items total on our registries. I know we need to add more things that we’re not thinking of.

Here’s the gist of what we’ve added:

• Flatware
• Dishes – both “formal” and everyday – we’re not doing china though.
• Mugs
• Everyday glasses wear
• Champagne flutes
• Serving bowls & platters
• Napkins & placements

What we’re not doing:

• Cookware – since D is quite the cook, we already have a lot of cookware (2 Le Creuset dutch ovens, pots, pans, etc)
• Knives – see above 
• Cooking equipment – we already have a crockpot, food processor, immersion blender, etc. 
• China

One item I will break him down on:

• Waffle iron. Oh yes, she will be mine. 

I think one of the issues I have is just getting used to the idea of asking for gifts & money. I feel extremely grateful to have amazing friends & family who are so excited for us to start our life together, that I shouldn’t feel like a burden on anyone…but part of me does feel a little weird about it. I also need to convince D that it behooves us to replace some of the older items that we own (i.e. – my blender from junior year in college. That thing has made one too many margaritas). 

The research I’ve done says that you should have a number of prices points so that people have a wide variety of things to choose from. I also don’t want to add things just for the sake of it and not ever use any of it. At the same time, I’ve seen friends not register at all and then get the most random things for a shower or wedding gift. 

Where there things you registered for that you love/are glad you did? Are there things you register for that you never use?? Share and help a sister out!

• it’s fun
• many friends & family members have gotten engaged recently and it’s a great way to share information and resources
• I need lists
• I think it’s a really interesting process/time of life/element of society. 
• I am unable to do anything in life without analyzing it. Hence, why I blog. 

If hearing about weddings is a “don’t” vs. a “do” for you, I will only post about the wedding on Mondays. Feel free to boycott that day.

One thing that I’ve noticed about my attitude towards the wedding in the past few weeks is that it can get slightly obsessive, shall we say. For some reason, making decisions about seating charts and monograms and color schemes all seem like major deals. In big girl reality, I know they’re not in the big picture, but it SEEMS like they are – when you’re in your 4th hour of Pin-stagram-log-ing (that’s Pinterest/Instagram/Blogging and I copyright that, stat) or the 5th person asks you how things are going, or your friend gets engaged or you see something on TV about weddings.

Don’t get me wrong. I love talking about planning, I love that people ask me and I’m so excited to get married. But my question is – How do we stay sane in the face of the internet and our internal voice telling us that everything has to be PinStagramLog worthy? 

I know this post is about weddings, but I also think it applies to a lot of what happens in the blogging community or anytime humans get together (re: often). Someone posts or Tweets or Instagrams something and it starts.  You start to make judgements based on what you think is “worthy.” Based on the number of comments or likes or posts it gets. Based on how people respond. Then you start to compare yours to theirs, in either a negative or a positive way (often for me, it makes me think a) Ugh, I don’t do that and I should or b) Oh god, do I have to think of that too?!) How do we keep ourselves from getting overloaded with negative thoughts about how we’re exercising or eating or how it compares to someone else? How we thought our mileage or ideas or dress looked great until we saw someone else’s picture and though…”Oh. Maybe it doesn’t?” 

Here’s what I’ve been trying to do lately when I notice these thoughts happening (both wedding, life & blogging related) and I’d love to hear yours in the comments. 

1. Turn it Off

Turn off the phone, Internet, Pinterest, Instagram, blogs or anything else that’s starting to give me anxiety. Step away from it and remind myself it’s supposed to be “fun.” If I’m getting too stressed or starting to get too wrapped up in it, it’s time to step away. 

(Source) 

2. Repeat My Mantra

For the wedding, I say this: “It’s not about the centerpieces.” This helps me to remember what getting married is REALLY about. In 20 years, no one is going to remember the table decorations or what song we were introduced to or the millions of other elements that we stress over leading up to the wedding. I might, but no one else is. And if they judge me for a decision regarding the wedding – or anything else I’m doing in school, work, workouts or food choices – then I probabblyyy don’t really want their opinions anyway. 

(Though my milk glass centerpieces are going to look fracking awesome.)

3. Do My Homework

If I’m being truly honest with myself, looking at wedding stuff on the Internet has become the new way for me to procrastinate. When I have an entire paper to write, 4 chapters to read, papers to correct, lessons to teach, food to make, a dog to walk and a billion errands that didn’t get done – it’s a LOT easier and less stressful to look at pretty invitations or see what other bloggers did with dessert tables. Avoidance, thy name is Chevron table runners. 

4. Remember to Check In

Namely, with my soon to be husband. He keeps Scarlett and me on the path of least insanity. When he notices I’ve been staring at my phone for an hour and it’s past my bedtime, or I’m spending too much time Pinning things or I’m debating this choice or that choice, he reminds me that we’ll figure it out. And it will be fine. And to stop comparing myself to Photoshopped images or someone’s picture of their Garmin’s 7:00 minute mile splits for 13 miles. That’s not me. That’s them. And I need to do me.

I also check in with this lady, who doesn’t give two poops about what my grades are or what type of linens I’m using. Just as long as I give snuggies and sneak her some chicken from time to time – it’s all good. 

So, how do you keep yourself from comparing or getting too overwhelmed with what “everyone else is doing?” I hope you’ll give me your tips and thoughts on what I think a lot of us struggle with.  

It’s been a few weeks since I last posted, mainly because classes + work + teaching has started to pick up. (<– understatement).

It’s October, which means we’re getting to the “meat and potatoes” of the semester. All those goals I made for myself at the beginning of the year?! Yep. They’re not really being actualized right now, which is why I’m trying to get back to posting & being on track.

I DID however, accomplish a lot this weekend. A lot of fun & relaxation, which is one of my goals this term. Doug and I went up to Portland, Maine – one of our favorite cities on the East Coast – for a weekend of no homework, no stress and no internet

We intended to camp for Friday and Saturday night. We set up Friday during a minor rainstorm (it was still beautiful). 

 Trying out our new two person sleeping bag was probably one of Doug’s highlights of the weekend. My lower back disagreed.

I ate lobster for 4 out of my 9 meals in Maine. 

When the greatest food ever is THIS cheap, you get it. Every time. 

We also did super nerdy things like stop at Historic Landmarks and read plaques (because you know I love me some historic landmarks).

Mostly, we did a lot of eating, walking, exploring and enjoying each other’s company. And visits to the L.L.Bean Store. Love that place.

 As I started to get that familiar “grad school panic” on Monday as we headed back home, I tried to remind myself that trips like this are worth it in the long run. I might be stressed about all the work that I “should have been” doing – but I’m going to remember these trips with my husband to be much more than I’m going to remember my homework grade. 

That’s my goal for the rest of R(Oct)ober. More fun, less stress. More trips and visits with friends, less homework. 

If only I could get my faculty advisors on board with this.

What’s your October goal?!?

Now you’re paying attention 

(Let me explain. I forgot to mention a while back (at least I think I forgot?!) that Heather asked me if I wanted to create a post for Heathly Living Blogs on the topic of “Healthy Living Freed Me From…” I said OF COURSE a) because I love writing about this topic and b) because I love Heather & HLB. Here is said post.) 

I struggled with negative self-talk, negative body image and negative thoughts for many years. I was an active child but puberty really screwed with my head, and thus, my body. I spent many years after that sedentary, sad and surly. “Why couldn’t I just be like “everyone else?” Why do I suck? Why couldn’t I be skinny? Why am I going to be like this forever??”

It wasn’t until college that I changed my eating and exercise habits. Honestly, losing 40 pounds and learning to love exercise was much easier than changing my brain. Shocker, I know. I’ve spent the last 5 years figuring out how I can remove the body bashing and negative thoughts and replace them with a positive perspective. In late 2010, I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer and had even more of a reason. I truly believe what you think is just as (if not MORE) important than what you eat, drink and how you move your body because you can never, ever tune out your mind completely. Learning this has been one of my greatest feats. (See what I did there?).

I can’t recall where I read or learned this, but one trick that really stuck with me was when you start to recognize that negative voice – name it. Literally, name the voice. By naming the voice, you recognize that it’s not actually the real you. It’s the judgmental self, the scared self, the self that’s trying to keep you from achieving your goals. Over time, you will recognize when that voice starts to pipe up.

My negative voice is named Scarlett O’Hara. That’s right.

I tried to think of the nastiest name that I could (with some style, of course) to remind me that this was not ME talking – it was  just one part of the negative piece of my brain.

Sometimes she’s a serious whiner. I step in front of the mirror, and Scarlett pips up. “Your thighs look HUGE! Look at those zits? Ugh! And your hair? Blech. You are definitely not ready for that presentation. And you’re not that smart anyway, so why even bother?”

I catch Scarlett and stop. I pause. I smile into the mirror. I recognize her and say “Thanks, Scarlett. But I don’t need your opinions and input right now. I’m ready. I look great. I’m smart. Love you, goodbye.” Scarlett needs to know I’m in charge and that she can’t talk to me like that. Generally I do this in my head, but if she’s REALLY persistent that day, I do it out loud. (I try to do it in the bathroom or my car; not a public location where people might wonder why I’m talking to a 1930′s fictional movie character.)

Even the Dude (my fiancé) knows who Scarlett is. When I’m bemoaning the fact that you can see my arm flab, or I failed the test that I studied really hard for or I’m never going to get a job (usually this is all in one breath), he says “Tell Scarlett to be quiet” or “That’s just Scarlett talking.” This never fails to make me laugh or stop me in my thoughts. Oh….right. She’s back again and I can control how loud she is.

It’s certainly not easy. Some days Scarlett is MUCH louder than others – particularly, I’ve noticed – if I’m in a period where I haven’t run, worked out, practiced yoga, had too much sugar or strayed from my healthy habits. This, more than any other reason, is why exercise is so important for me. When I’m in a groove, feeling strong, moving my body, sweating – I feel strong. And when I feel strong, Scarlett is so weak.

Scarlett is perfectionism. Scarlett is fear and doubt. Scarlett is the idea that I’m not okay just as I am, or that I need to alter myself is major ways to reach this “ideal” me.

Healthy living has freed me from believing that Scarlett is right. That she tells me the truth. That she has my best interest at heart.

Because Scarlett is nothing but a crazy dramatic silly liar.

I do declare.

This Saturday we spent the day in New Hampshire at a beautiful family wedding. The weather, the couple and the details were lovely. I love all the thought and sentimentality that goes into weddings. On Sunday, my mom & sister came up to give their opinions on my final two dress picks (one was the front runner but I wanted their opinion on the second). Luckily, they are super decisive (unlike me, ha) and in 15 minutes I had my dress picked out and a deposit down! After this wedding, the next one that we have on the docket is OURS. I cannot wait and cannot believe I have to wait a whole 9 months.

As I’ve mentioned before, we have alot of the “big ticket items” figured out/booked already:

• Ceremony & reception venues
• Caterer
• Desserts (very talented family members graciously volunteered to help!)
• Dress (!!)
• DJ
• Photographer
• Wedding rings picked out
• Bridal party transportation
• Tentative hotel
• Tentative makeup
• Guest list
• Invitations
• Rehearsal dinner space/menu (super talented and gracious family members again!)
• Tentative groom/groomsman attire

I’m not going to share every little detail on the blog because I want some element of surprise for friends & family who read this – but it’s too fun not to share SOME aspects of what we’re doing.

Just looking at these pictures makes me happy. Now to figure out the details like photo booth props, hair styles and guest books!

What wedding details are you favorite?! Any cute guest books you’ve seen lately?!