1. Teaching is HARD. 

1b. I have the BEST guy. There is no doubt in my mind that we can make it through anything if we can make it through a) cancer and b) grad school. When you have to work and coordinate and communicate and juggle money and figure out how to spend time together and see each other (even though you live together, ha) and who’s going to walk the dog and take out the trash…it’s work. But the benefits are really worth it.  

(plus he cooks for me and takes care of me and makes me things like this for dessert.)

(Strawberries & cream will be making many appearances this summer). 

2. Work/life balance is b*#@t.  I think the concept of work/life balance is sort of crap. Sometimes there’s no way to balance everything. The way that society/the media/other people make it seem like “you can really have it all!!!!!” is, in my opinion, a dangerous myth. Sometimes, you cannot have it all. You cannot have straight A’s, get a million things done at work, have a clean house, spend quality time with your family and friends, have a great work out and eat a well balanced meal. Every single day. The idea that we can and should be able to do this, especially as women, is (Although if you can do this, please tutor me in your ways of magic) insane – yet I totally subscribe to it. Am I the only one?!

I found myself really struggling with letting some of that stuff go this semester. I dropped a workout routine. I barely saw my friends and family – and when I was with them, I was stressing about the amount of work I wasn’t doing. Tumbleweeds of dog hair accumulated at break neck speed. I stressed about all of it. And I got my first B (oh, the horrors, right?!). What I failed to remember is that I was juggling 4 classes, working, commuting, beginning to plan a wedding, trying to have a regular life – and going through treatment for cancer. Riiiight. 

So was the insane stress worth it? No – and yes. Having this week off from class has made me realize what a treat it is to read a book. To spend an hour having tea with friends. To sit on my couch and not do a damn thing. How intense the pressure is, consciously and otherwise, that I put on myself to achieve. How sometimes just doing my best that day, and not expecting perfection, will make me healthier and happier. And how I really need to incorporate some of the fun, relaxing things back into my life during the term.

Would I call it balance? I don’t know. But I would definitely call it pushing the see-saw back towards the middle. 

My role model in this area – Sadie. She has excellent work/life – and couch – balance. 

10 Week Turnaround

I am SO EXCITED there are people out there who want to do this thing with me! 

So far, my challenge has been going really well. I’m 3/3 in terms of NO Dunkin Iced mochas! It was touch and go for a hot minute Tuesday morning when it was pouring and I was exhausted. I thought about caving in to get one and remembered that I challenged myself this week and I’m going to stick to it!

The challenge also helped me when I started to overwhelm myself with other things I “should” be doing. It helped me to think “Okay, I’m doing one thing this week. I can do something else next week” and not overwhelm myself with too many things to work on. Yay for progress! 

Laura, Hillary, Hil, Erin K., Stina – how you gals doing?!

How are you with work/life balance? Do you believe in my conspiracy theory or have you managed to make it work for yourself?!

I have a week’s vacation from school (starting last Thursday) and then 3 summer classes start next week.

There are two things I’m most looking forward to on this vacation:

1) Reading Game of Thrones (major fantasy nerd here). 

2) Cleaning my kitchen floor. (I kid you not, it is disGUSTing). 

I’m also officially done with feeling unhealthy, not like myself and not working out. I haven’t had a regular workout routine in quite some time now. This hiatus is happened before in my life, where things get really busy and I just sort of stop making it a priority. I know that it doesn’t help my mental, emotional or physical self at all, so I’m making some changes this summer.

For the next 10 weeks, I’m going to complete a 10 Week Turnaround. Each week I’ll either add a new habit or subtract an old habit that doesn’t serve me anymore/is something I want to change.

Why: I picked 10 weeks because I just like the sound of it. In ten(ish) weeks, we have a friends wedding to go to and I’ll probably be looking at wedding dresses. It will be in the middle of summer. Most importantly, it will help jump start my routine again.

My typical approach to health and fitness is to just throw myself into something, thinking that if I go all in, I’ll succeed. Sometimes this works, but most of the time I end up overwhelmed and pissed that I couldn’t maintain my ridiculously high standards. Instead of trying to overachieve (hello, my MO) and burning myself out, it occurred to me that I could CHOOSE to do it slowly and gradually.

How: I will most likely post 2-3 times a week, once on Monday to tell you what the turnaround is for the week, once in the middle and once at the end of the week (or the weekend). I’m hoping this will keep me accountable since I know someone is actually wondering how I’m doing!

So. Here we go. If you’d like to join in for even a few weeks, let me know – the more buddies, the better!

Week 1:

What: Dunkin Donuts Iced Mocha Coffee. (A sweet, sweet temptress). 

Why: In the last month of school, I became addicted to Dunkies iced mocha coffee (skim milk only please). It started as the perfect sweet treat once in a while when I was really dragging….and eventually became an every day occurrence. I still plan to have them once in a while this summer, but every day is not something my wallet or waistline really needs.

Even though it’s delicious and not THAT terrible in terms of calories, the added sugar and caffeine is definitely overloading my system. Ever since the doctors upped my medication last summer, I’ve had a really hard time handling too much caffeine. A small coffee is about all my body can handle (shakes, heart racing, etc) and I notice that I wake up with a “hangover” the next day if I drink too much. I think those are all reason enough to quit my DD habit. 

How: Cold turkey. I’m just going to stop. If I don’t go to Dunkies, I can’t order it! I’ll substitute with iced chai or other teas in the morning. I don’t need to treat myself for making it out the door like a grown-up in the morning. And, I have a feeling drinking coffee again has something to do with the fact that my sleep schedule is really messed up. (Or it could be staying up until 2am to read Game of Thrones. Potato, Potahto). 

Any good books you’re reading lately!? Any habits you want to change right now? (I might add these to my list!)

(I’ll cut to the ending first. It’s Monday morning and I know I’m not firing on all cylinders yet.)

Once upon a time, a boy asked a girl to marry him. 

It was on a beach in Rhode Island, a few hours after they had to change their plans (both places he wanted to take us to eat were closed) and the girl became hangry. (Don’t mess with my blood sugar, ya’ll). Because the boy knows the girl so well, he knew he couldn’t do it without her having eaten first. 

The girl had WAY too much homework to do, and was slightly stressed and grumpy (also, she had not showered or washed her hair). The boy said “we drove all the way down here, let’s take a walk.” The girl grumbled. She does that occasionally. 

The boy was acting weird, and the girl was suspicious. He hugged her and say sweet, sweet things, and the girl said “Are you proposing to me right now?!” (Nothing gets past me), followed by the boy on one knee and the girl shrieking and shaking so hard the boy thought she would pass out (See why it’s important to eat first!). 

The girl had forgotten her phone at home so they couldn’t take any pictures. (In hindsight, it’s kind of nice to have that memory all to ourselves). Instead, and because she has a habit of doing this, the girl made the boy take home a rock.

A giant rock to commemorate the day, that’s now used as their doorstop.

The girl got another rock too.

But that’s not even her most favorite rock, the most important one that she is so happy and proud and ecstatic to have in her life.

That would be this guy. 

Oh, right. And I said yes.

The not so good (but not bad) news: they called the Monday after and had me get an ultrasound, thinking that they saw tissue left in the thyroid bed area. My doctor was pretty convinced there wasn’t any there. He was right – it was probably just scar tissue. But – they did find 3 lymph nodes that weren’t there before, on the right hand side – which was the side that had lymph nodes removed/cancer present.

So there’s that. Good news in the sense that there’s no cancer. Not so good in the sense that I now worry about those 3 lymph nodes in my neck, hoping they’re not growing anything, hoping they’re just there because it’s the end of the term, I’m run down and tired and I have spring allergies.

Hoping. We’ll find out at my appointment this week as to what my labs look like. Hopefully they’re normal and don’t report any tumor markers. In 3 months I’ll do another ultrasound to make sure the lymph nodes haven’t gone anywhere or gotten any bigger.

Hopefully. Cross your fingers and toes. 

In the meantime, I’m in the thick of the end of the term. I can’t tell you how much work I’ve done in the last few weeks – and how much I still have left to do. 4 classes (2 of which are graduate history classes and are NUTS!) + working + advising students + being a TA + driving 1.5 hours to and from campus = slightly crazy. That doesn’t even count seeing my Dude, Sadie, doing housework, laundry, working out, cooking food or seeing any family or friends. (Luckily, I have REALLY understanding friends and family members) I leave the house at 8am most days and get back close to 8pm, just in time to do about 2 hours of homework, catch up, pack my stuff for the next day and head to bed.

I’m insanely tired and worn out, but trying to keep focused for the next few weeks. It’s only until the first week of May…and then I get a week off and take 3 more classes from May to June! (Sarcasm button here). 

Luckily there are those moments when things are all worth it, like when I’m reminded of how great my Dude is (who makes me dinner and lunch for the next day and cleans the house and does 85% of the chores and…) or when one of my advisees who is 20 and trying to figure out her career path tells me I’m the most helpful person at the university for her or when I get really good feedback on a project from colleagues and faculty members. 

It helps me to think beyond the craziness. It’s worth it. Just keep swimming…

I’ve been thinking a lot about these themes too. I started my radioactive treatment last Monday for my yearly (give or take 6 months) diagnostic scan. This was the third overall dose of radioactive iodine I’ve had in the past year and a half. 

I’ve talked about the process before, but it involves having two shots (Monday and Tuesday) of Thyrogen, which raises my TSH level pretty significantly. The shots usually leave me feeling crappy and tired and with major joint pain. Wednesday I received the diagnostic dose of radioactive iodine (1-31). This was a “tracer dose” which is used to “light up” any areas in my body, especially the thyroid area, to see if there are still cells in there anywhere. 

From Wednesday – Saturday, I’m supposed to remain indoors and away from people (namely, kids and anyone with a compromised immune system). I have a list of things not to do that is a full page long (namely, flush the toilet 3 times after use, wash the shower/sink/anything you use, use the same utensils, no kissing or sleeping in the same bed, etc.). In the afternoon on Friday, I had a full body scan

Truth be told, this time was tough. The physical side effects of the treatment were pretty standard – I was tired, sore and felt nauseous – but nothing I couldn’t handle. This time, the mental and emotional side of the treatment was pretty harsh. 

I felt very isolated (duh) and lonely, even though family and friends checked up on me (thank you all!) The Dude had to work late a few nights of the week and I couldn’t snuggle my pets due to the radiation. I was technically “working from home” two of the days, but sort of ignored emails and phone calls. I was sad. I was angry. I was overwhelmed. And I was really, really, really anxious and fearful. 

What if they find that the cancer came back? What if they find something else? What if I can’t afford these treatments because of my new insurance? What if I have to do this again? 

I think this time was really difficult, because instead of pretending that I was fine and ignoring what was truly happening to me, I let myself feel it. And a lot of what I’ve felt is anger. Anger at this whole situation, at being reminded that I had cancer, at other people for having it “easy” (even though I know that’s not true), at having to have radiation, at myself for not taking better care of my body. 

I know my goal this year is to be gentle. I’m trying to remember that as I wait for the results and recover from the treatment. I’m trying to remember that things happen and we deal with them. I’m trying to remember to be patient with myself and not expect too much. I’m trying to remember to take it easy and not put too much on my plate, because the last few weeks and months have been truly tough. 

It’s hard. It’s been hard. That’s a lot of why I haven’t been blogging lately, because no one wants to read angry rants from someone who overall has a pretty great life. But I’m also not going to pretend it’s been fine, because that also doesn’t do anyone any favors. So I vacillate between anger and sadness and gratitude and okay. Once I get the results, I’ll know how to proceed. 

I’m trying to remember it’s tough – but I’m tough too. And I’ll get through this and be stronger for it. 

My amazingly talented super thoughtful beautiful artist friend, Carole Ann, gave me a gift.

The gift of friendship.

The gift of remembering how important self-care really is.

The gift of stopping for 15 minutes to say hi to a friendly face you haven’t seen in way too long.

The gift of taking my own damn advice.

The gift of going easy, being gentle, backing off, not being so hard on myself.

It’s true – I’m my own worst critic. I think every exam, assignment and phone call are going to be the worst. My first reaction is failure.

Sometimes I catch myself in the middle of the anxiety, or the fear, or the racing from here to there and back again and I think: “Why??”

Why do I feel this way? Why do I feel like my best isn’t good enough. Why do I pile more on to my plate? Why do I assume the worst. Why do I push myself so hard. Why don’t I celebrate my accomplishments and focus on what is missing.

It’s a difficult process, but one I’m trying to unravel. Gently.

All of this was captured in a sweet & sentimental mini-quilt, in all of my favorite colors. So simple and so true.

It’s going to hang over my desk, so that when I’m driving myself too hard, putting myself down or staying up past my bedtime, I have this incredibly beautiful reminder to go at it gently.

Thank you, CA! Love you & appreciate it SO much

If you haven’t, check out Carole Ann’s blog. She is unbelievably talented and can craft everything from quilts to aprons to baby blankets to headbands to purses – and more!

Things I’m trying to keep in mind:

• This diet gives me a chance to break my chai latte habit
• I will majorly clean up my diet
• I can eat fresh fruits, veggies, minimal meats and LOTS of avocado!!
• I’ll have to get creative in the kitchen again
• I’ll give my system a good post-vacation cleanse
• I am considering writing a letter to Trader Joes, thanking them for making so many products WITHOUT sea salt!
• Reading the ingredients on every single product I buy is a good consumer and health habit
• I usually feel better, less bloated and my skin looks great at the end of two weeks

Things I’ve realized at the start of the LID:

• LID pre-Easter is just plain cruel. No delicious Reese’s eggs?!? Come on.
• If one more person tells me to think of it as a chance to give something up for Lent, I might punch them in the throat. There is a BIG difference between choosing to give up a food or habit because you want to get closer to God/your religious beliefs and having to eat a certain way because you had cancer. Hello.
• The internet is both a wonderful and totally crazy place.
• Sea salt is my nemesis. It’s in everything!
• My boyfriend and his culinary skills are even more wonderful during this time period
• My ThyCa sistas are the.best.people.ever.
• I have to prepare and think about almost every snack and meal, which can be time consuming
• The LID is just the start – there is actually the radioactive process after that…blech

 I’m realizing more and more than it’s really tough to explain to people all of the different emotions that happen when you go through a treatment. It’s even harder when it’s across the internet. I’m doing pretty well with the preparation, but I think the actual week of the scan will be hard. I haven’t had one in a year and I remember how crap they tend to make me feel. Luckily, the effects don’t last for very long afterwards and I can try to flush the toxins out of my system as quickly as possible. Things have been so busy that I don’t really have time to think about what I’m actually going through – which I think is partly denial that I have to do it again, and partly just momentum to get through it.

I also have two midterms this week and I’m way behind on school work. I’m just going to have to accept that this semester is going to be like that – and try to let it go!

Trying to remember the joy, though, so I’m going to need some book recommendations, TV shows and Netflix to watch!! Suggestions?! Send them my way!

Two days in Los Angeles…(sidenote: I’ve been spelling Angeles wrong for 25 years). 

(This was a thrift/hardware store in Venice that has floor to ceiling cake stands in every color of the rainbow. I want to live there.)

And four days in Santa Barbara…

(This is an entire bowl of cheese that was part of a delicious Mexican feast. Yep.)

There were many more Mexican feasts and a TON of food, but I was too busy eating it and enjoying it to take photos. There was also a lot of relaxing, wine drinking, laughs, wandering around, hanging out with great friends, shopping, family time and sleeping in. 

It was perfect.  

That sounds so crazy, but I guess every new age, every next birthday sounds a little weird until you get used to it.

I was thinking about it last night…28 was a crazy, big, insane year. Since last year, I

• adopted a cute and crazy dog
• renovated and moved in with Duder to our first apartment
• went through two radioactive treatments for thyroid cancer
• quit my job of 4 years and became a full-time student and graduate assistant in the field I love
• was honored to be a bridesmaid for two of my best friend’s at their weddings
• traveled to Kripalu (twice!) to see Kris Carr and enjoy a weekend of yoga
• traveled to Oregon, Washington State, Washington, DC, and Portsmouth, NH for vacations
• earned straight A’s in my first term as a grad student
• found out I was cancer free
• celebrated 2 years of love and good times with my main squeeze

I’m not quite sure what could happen in my 29th year to top that?!

The past few weeks I’ve been really anxious and stressed out, with the start of my new term and trying to balance life. Birthdays are a great reminder of everything that’s happened in the past year (both good and not so fun) and everything that I have to look forward to. It’s a reminder that life continues, whether we meet our goals or not, whether we’re stressed out or relaxed, whether we’re having fun or not…so why not try to incorporate a little more joy into my life?

29 = year of joy.

What was your favorite birthday?! Mine is a tie between 21 and 27 (one ended with me falling down a hill into the snow (humorously) and one ended with a 40 person serenade).found out I was cancer free

Since I’ve been making lists like crazy this week, I thought I would update you with a Life List. Not to be confused with a Love List. Though I should do one of those too.

Life Item #5: Friend Feats.

One of my best friends from middle school is moving to live in Oregon with one of our other best friends. I couldn’t be happier or more proud of her for taking the leap. One of my best friends from college just bought and house and another is looking at condos this week. We are grownups! And yes, it’s still weird.

Life Item #4: Vacation.

We’re going on an 7 day vacation to Santa Barbara and Los Angelos in 3 weeks! The Dude’s mom and stepdad rent a house in Santa Barbara every February to visit the Dude’s stepbrother and his kids. I was undecided for a while (mainly because I am 1. broke and 2. missing a week of class) and then I thought “Screw it. I’m a grown ass woman. I can miss class and let my boyfriend buy me a plane ticket for my birthday.” So I agreed and then had horrific guilt/anxiety for a week (see also: every decision I make that involves money and/or school) Now I’m just psyched and grateful for a week of  hanging out with the Dude without books or studying, visiting family and friends (Hi Ash, Hi Loosh!) and eating amaaaazingggg food. Avocado trees, here I come.

Life Item #3: Spring Break 2012: Girl’s Gone Radiation.

The decision to go on said vacation was also solidified when I found out that I needed to have my follow up cancer radioactive scan sometime in March. Luckily, I was able to schedule it during my spring break. I know there is some really good/horrible joke about this being the best tan I will ever get on spring break, but I’m hungry, so it’s just not coming to me right now. Evan, I know you’ll find it. This means I’ll be starting the low-iodine diet in late February and will eat approximately 700 bakery items while in Santa Barbara.

Life Item #2: Spring Semester Begins.

As I mentioned, I start my spring semester today. I’ve already purchased 12 books for 3 classes. My credit card loves me. My goals for this term are to:

• Remain sane.
• Return to running and a regular yoga practice (2-3 times per week).
• Have one date night per week with the Dude (sans technology (except for Netflix or movies)).
• Take 15 minutes to relax every day (walk the dog, take a bath, breathe, call one of my friends) and shut my brain off by 10:30pm every night.
• Manage my deadlines and assignments well from the start, instead of stressing out the week or night before they are due.
• Go easier on myself and my expectations. Remind myself “You do enough.”
• See #1.

Life Item #1: I went back to the gym.

Last week, I went on my first run in 10 months. It was a run/walk lasting approximately 30 minutes – and it was awesome. I raised 830 dollars (and counting) for the American Cancer Society for the Run to Remember 5 mile run in May. The fact that all of my friends, family and even extended members of my network donated is a major motivation boost. The run felt great, and I’m looking forward to getting back to a regular routine soon. Anyone need a running/motivation buddy?!

What’s going on with you this week/month? I miss ya!